My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
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If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys