My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
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Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.