My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
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“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.