my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
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My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
#Caturday
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day