my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
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My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
can you read it!!??
maan!