My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
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if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Someone just threatened to call me later
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”