My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
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People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
i dont have time for this
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.