My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
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@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Risking my life for fun.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”