My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
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single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!