My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
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My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Usage Guidelines
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Not today, today.
Not today.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.