My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
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If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I’d hang this in my house.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
happy valentine’s day to me
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*