My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
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[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
#growingpains
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
they finally got him. they got macavity
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.