My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
You Might Also Like
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Somebody’s lying.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.