my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

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I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like


What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.


Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”


Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.


CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.


According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.


Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog


I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.


Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.