@dougbies I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
@mom_tho my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
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@dougbies 
@beefman138 What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
@Book_Krazy Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
@10InchesPlus Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
@Robert_Beau CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
@mydmac According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
@lazerdoov Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
@IsisIrisimawake Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
@Squizbot I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.