@fillthevacuum Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
@McMcmadmac My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
You Might Also Like
@fillthevacuum 
@Home_Halfway Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
@EndhooS [Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
@fro_vo Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
@Ivsy01 Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
@iwearaonesie wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
@thevickster_sa ~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
@Jeffwni Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
@Amanisnotadoor When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
@fro_vo [first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot