My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
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me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*