@McMcmadmac

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

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@Home_Halfway

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

@EndhooS

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

@fro_vo

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

@Ivsy01

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

@iwearaonesie

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

@thevickster_sa

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

@Jeffwni

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

@Amanisnotadoor

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

@fro_vo

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot