My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
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I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.