My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
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date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
english majors be like furthermore
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Message from the dog groomers
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point