My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
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My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.