My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
You Might Also Like
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Easy enough.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
finally found a reasonable question
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist