@MarfSalvador Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
@robdelaney My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
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@MarfSalvador 
@TheHyyyype me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
@PHDaniel_Street Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
@LoveNLunchmeat Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
@jp_mcdade Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
@TheAlexP Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
@JediGigi Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
@AnitaAlibi My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
@bitzydimbo what could possibly go wrong?
@TheWeirdWorld What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.