My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
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Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
*goes back to sleep*
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
[taco bell 2am]
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.