
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
what could possibly go wrong?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.