Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

Things that keep me up at night #6874

The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.