My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
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we all know this pain all too well
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
is this meant to deter me
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.