@robdelaney

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

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@MarfSalvador

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

@TheHyyyype

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

@PHDaniel_Street

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

@LoveNLunchmeat

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

@jp_mcdade

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

@TheAlexP

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

@JediGigi

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

@AnitaAlibi

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

@TheWeirdWorld

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.