my name if I was in the mob
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Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.