My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
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No, I don’t think I will.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.