“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
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I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
step 6: release the wall snake
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
this post was so formative to me
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.