“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
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It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.