My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
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*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I have two kinds of followers
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store