My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up