MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
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describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that