MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
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If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US