My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
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Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.