My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
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BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.