My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
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“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Noah was an idiot.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep