My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
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Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley