My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
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Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂