My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
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“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
me irl
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.