My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
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I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them