My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
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GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Cake safety first. Always.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.