My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
You Might Also Like
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Worth a try
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir