My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
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me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel