My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
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Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Beauty and the Beast
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
This is me 🤣🤣
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.