my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
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There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”