My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
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It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Worlds greatest photobomb
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids