my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
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Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Fiction has to make sense.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”