@robdelaney

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

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@Fred_Delicious

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

@IGN

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

@brakco

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

@LoveNLunchmeat

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

@Darlainky

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

@FattMernandez

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

@werehedgehog

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

@DurtMcHurtt

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.