9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
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He who must not be selfied.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.