My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
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Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.