My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
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Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Mouse
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.