My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
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I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Noah
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.