*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
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[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I can’t wait!
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car