My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
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Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.