My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
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This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees