My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
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Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!