My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
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It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor